MY THOUGHTS: IF YOUR BABY IS A COINCIDENCE

(if you feel like trying to reach out makes you loose your dignity - leave it until better times at least)

DISCLAIMER: I am not talking about all men or all women in general, this only touches particular situations and of course there are real men, great fathers, loving husbands and caring boyfriends out there.

I wanted to share some thoughts about situations, which happen quite often, when women get pregnant and it's just an unplanned coincidence. First of all, my advice is: never go for an abortion, you'll find out that every life to be born is a miracle, and you'll be happy that you haven't made a mistake that could never be changed afterwards - never ever.

So, in situations when you have a baby from a man, with whom you have no particular relationship and the only way to get him is to go through lawyers and courts, if there is no opportunity to have a direct, honest conversation with a person looking into each other's eyes - I think it's better to leave it. In times when so many children are getting adopted and find home in families they have no blood connection with and in many cases - happily, it doesn't matter who the biological father is if he is unwilling to take part in his child's life or the only way to get him is through such pain as courts. It's not worth it. There will be a chance to find a real soul mate, and there are many examples when men adopted kids of the woman from previous relationships.

When I was born, my Dad was far away, he only appeared and saw me for the first time when I was over 2 years old, but he wasn't there when my my was pregnant and after she gave birth at all. A few guys were in love with my Mum and proposed to her while my Dad wasn't there and they all were saying to her: "Nina, your baby needs a father, so I can be the one!" Then my Mum married one guy and he was so much in love with my her, he really wanted to adopt me apart from hoping to have his own children of course. And those guys were not some miserable ones or golddiggers, they were descent ambitious and successful.

So we need to live for the beautiful moments of life, rather than dragging into some pointless drama, like going to family courts and begging for financial support. I know, you might think I sound crazy, but listen, I come from the country where majority of women are independent and hard-working, and even when they divorce they manage to bring up the children on their own without taking anything from a man while making their career, it's hard but at least you don't loose self-esteem. There is nothing more important than your dignity, and there is nothing that can stop you from possibly making the same or more money than any man, if you educate yourself and concentrate on achieving your goals. However, it depends what you like more: dedicating your time to having a beautiful date, great sex and being with a person who respects and appreciates you - and if he does, believe me he will feel the same way about your child - or fussing an fighting for some dollars or pounds with a man who don't even care how you feel, wasting your time on somebody who don't deserve it at all.

And if the man who made you pregnant, you have known only briefly, hasn't been there for you at any time, he practically has as much reference to your child as the anonymous man who's sperm you could buy at a sperm bank. Some men (I don't say ALL men) manage to live good life while having unprotected sex without even thinking about further responsibilities. If that ends up in making a baby, it doesn't make them fathers automatically just because they are spreading their seed around the world, it only makes them sperm donors. A child doesn't need a father who doesn't respect his/her mother. As one of my friends in Russia said: "That's not gangsta". Meaning, even real gangstas there don't abandon their kids, don't have to love the woman but take care of the child for sure.

Gone are the times when men and women came together mainly for economical reasons. We need soulmates, with whom we can go a long way with, have times of positive understanding and primarily moral support and respect for each other. Women can be confident, we can make it with or without men, and children are not a burden, they are inspiration.

I know, I am a mother.

JAHNA SEBASTIAN