Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Can there be roses without thorns?

There is nothing better than being able to work on my music 24/7 and spending time with my daughter, who I can't imagine my life without. That is the roses, but the thorns are everyday routine that I have to do like millions of women/mothers out there: the cycle of cleaning/washing/cooking/sorting out the mess around the house the children make and trying to make it, jobs we take on just because "it pays" instead of solidifying a career, and trying to stay positive because children want to see us smile and happy all the time, we can't afford to show them tears even when it's hard to hide. If I don't do the everyday routine - nobody's gonna do it. It probably makes a difference if you have a few family members to help you, but what if you don't? Even though it has never been easy, in the first year of the baby's life it is vital that the mother stays at home and puts career and everything else away. I did that, I was with my daughter 24/7 and I didn't have any babysitters. My mother helped me after I gave birth and then went back to Russia, but the sleepless nights straight out of the hostpital, those endless nights when the baby was waking up every hour to be fed were solely on me because I was breastfeeding. I couldn't sleep during the day either. Even when I came out of the hospital two days after I gave birth, when I came home with my daughter I had to assamble the crib for her ... My mom was back and forth to Russia because of her visa restrictions and at that time I was still dealing with my immigration case, so I had to rely on our finances only, never been on welfare, but then I wasn't entitled to it anyway, paid bills and everything as if I was any working person. Then when my daughter was about 6 months old my mother had to stay in Russia for the next 6 months and that was one of the hardest times in my life. I never had a friend who would babysit for me, so this cycle was all on me and even when I did radio interviews occasionally I had to take my daughter with me and hold her in my arms while standing up next to the microphone. Me and my daughter in the pram in the rain - that's like an endless story. Of course, I gave up on the club life and many other things, in fact for the past few years my life has been so anti-glamorous that I feel the need to wear official clothes in the house, so at least I stay focused on my work, which I mostly do from home. I wish I had someone help me clean the shit that would end up being all over the place within five minutes while I just went to check if the dinner was ready for my daughter and I. I wish I could send off someone to the shop to get milk whenever my daughter and I were both ill instead of me getting her in the pram (and that procedure would sometimes take quite a time) getting dressed and going out in the cold. I wish I could sometimes have a breather like all other young people of my age do and I haven't been on a holiday since I've been in London - for the past four years! In fact, for two years I stayed with my daughter all the time, no day care. With all these things though, I feel that going through these "joys" of motherhood %100 and personal sacrifice (career, private life for a time) is what establishes the bond with the child. It is the essence of unconditional love, because you do this without wanting something back, you just do it because you love your child. I know my mother did the same for me, now I have to look after her the same way. Then everything and your career spins around your child and the focus and the main goal is to achieve things in life for your child. May be if I had everything at my feet, nice and easy from the beginning I wouldn't appreciate simple things in life as much as I do now and won't be able to understand what millions of women are going through every day. So there is a reason for everything, and every cinderella dreams about this cycle being broken and only roses being left and that life would change one day, that all our efforts will bring fruits, and we can do what we love most, roses with no thorns - spending time with our children and doing work that we love 24/7.

P.S. At the same time I wasn't allowed to work and earn money due to my political asylum case being considered until May 2009 and I wanted to do things but was not allowed to say get paid gigs or sell music, get any job at all, I had to keep doing things for free just to stay occupied, because I love to keep moving and getting things going, then seeing fruits of my work. While my case was considered had to keep going through different stages of reconsideration in immigration court and sign in and out with my daughter at immigration point every two weeks. At the same time I was not entitled to get any benifits or discounts and be on welfare, so financially it was not easy at all. I already started new life from beginning when I moved to London in 2006 and then had to be on hold for two years and start again in 2009. When you are an immigrant in many cases you have to work 10 times harder and speed up because it's not the place where you have family, childhood friends and you have to build your network from zero. My daughter definitely keeps me focused and gives me inspiration to continue persuing my goals and helps me make the right choices, so right now I'm trying to combine everything, look after my daugher, work on my music as well as helping other artists, building my record label and do the house work like many other women out there :)


  1. Welcome to motherhood, we all have our stories, it is the responsibility that we take on when we decide to have a kid. Nothing new here, this is the story of thousands of women, even some who are married and have help.

  2. I joined you on Facebook and commented on one of your pics the one with you and your little girl :-) what a wonderful story...you will make it hun...

    Picture number 1:

    Picture number 2:

    Hi everyone the Gap Casting Call 2011 is on, and my little LAYLA is in it!!!
    I would love to have the support and effort of all my friends and family for the next few days in voting her Fan Favorite...
    Use the links above to access her pictures once there all you need to do is use an email address to vote, if you have more than one email address even better, hit your back button and vote again...THE MORE THE MERRIER :-)

    Oh not forgetting to come back everyday and vote for her!!

    Hey if your cutie is in the event too i can vote for him or her too, just send me the info!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you this means so much to me :-) ♥

    p.s. the website is very active and can be busy at times please keep trying...